I forgot how to go to sleep and now I can’t stop thinking.
Trying to appreciate the remarkable moments. Trying to figure out who I am growing into and what I want. Trying to go to bed on time. I like quotes, coffee, tea, sex, baking, the Northwest coast, singing along to any music and Jeopardy.
I forgot how to go to sleep and now I can’t stop thinking.
It is late at night and I need to be up sooner than I would like to recognise.
I cleaned my room. I watched a movie. Now I’m sitting in bed. The house is quiet.
I wish I could talk to my boyfriend but he is asleep already.
I don’t feel tired but I need to sleep.
I might have a solution…
I sent my boyfriend a picture of myself with smudged makeup, greasy hair in a messy bun and a face mask. I was making a very attractive face. And then I wrote “#classy”
He sends back “#luckiestmanalive”
He makes me smile.
Okay, so I woke up this morning feeling a little shit-tay. Physically, emotionally. Felt a little guilty, felt a little down on myself.
I’m realizing I haven’t been spending enough time with just me.
Anyway, I was still feeling bummed a couple hours later, so I thought about writing a post here to try and hash out my feelings (aka complain).
I made a plan. I am going to download some super cheesy pop songs and I am going to feel good today!
I am genuinely excited that I took control of my emotions and actions instead of wallowing in pity. Note to future self - this feels great! You have an unbelievably amazing life and it is up to you to live up to it!!!!
I love my boyfriend so much. Things are new between us and it feels strange to be doing this again with someone new…
But as time goes by he feels less and less new. I love being a part of his life and I love that he is part of mine. I am excited to see where this goes.
I think to some degree I haven’t been pulling my weight in the house…and now I feel like I’m being punished. Like I’m a small, inconsiderate child. I wish there were reasons for me to justify my behaviour or to discredit their ideas, but I don’t know if there is. Now I just want to leave again. I think the best years of our friendship are behind us. That’s a damn shame, but I guess it’s the reality of life.
"Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles."
I feel kind of sad right now. Part of me doesn’t really know why, and yet part of me knows the exact reason.
I am not good at joining my friend life and my boyfriend life and I am not good at separating my friend life and my boyfriend life. Why can’t I make these two things mesh like I want them to? Or separate when I need them to?
Also, is this a big deal? Meaning, is this the kind of issue that I should be breaking up with someone over? Or is it more like a “work on it” thing. Or an “it will come in time” thing. Or something smaller?
ALSO is it weird that these sad thoughts go away once I have sex with him? And we feel all close again after that for a while.
And he was so lovely and funny and charming tonight. This is what joining them together feels like. But I feel like he doesn’t have fun here.
Maybe this is just what conflict feels like and because we have none I have no idea how to handle it and I think we might just break up. Ha, not every disagreement is the finality of a breakup. That’s what fights are! Well maybe there is a fight coming then.
Anything else I need to get off my chest in this moment? When I am sitting on my bed cross-legged and hunched over my laptop, high as a kite. I’ve never written like this before. Feeling this emotional (and high). We’ll see how it turns out.
And back to him - yesterday we had so much fun together. We laugh together. Am I writing these things to try and convince myself? I hope not. Maybe I just don’t want a boyfriend right now? No, that can’t be true. I think I need him more than I know. Or do I? Could I be doing fine on my own? Well if I were on my own I definitely would be blogging more because I would have no one to talk to. Hm it’s hard to imagine what would happen in the could have scenarios.
I think this will be my sign off. Maybe I will feel differently tomorrow. Maybe it’s from my experiences with sean. Maybe it’s because of my closeness with our friends. Maybe it’s because I’m selfish or too introspective or too jaded. Well I don’t know why I’m feeling these seeds of doubt over the whole friend/boyfriend worlds.
Only time will tell.
Things feel weird right now. I’m done school and I just finished my summer job. For the first time my future is wide open and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what career I want. I feel like I’m in a funk. Blahhhhhhhhhhhh
Fantasy is silver and scarlet, indigo and azure, obsidian veined with gold and lapis lazuli. Reality is plywood and plastic, done up in mud brown and olive drab. Fantasy tastes of habaneros and honey, cinnamon and cloves, rare red meat and wines as sweet as summer. Reality is beans and tofu, and ashes at the end. Reality is the strip malls of Burbank, the smokestacks of Cleveland, a parking garage in Newark. Fantasy is the towers of Minas Tirith, the ancient stones of Gormenghast, the halls of Camelot. Fantasy flies on the wings of Icarus, reality on Southwest Airlines. Why do our dreams become so much smaller when they finally come true?
We read fantasy to find the colors again, I think. To taste strong spices and hear the songs the sirens sang. There is something old and true in fantasy that speaks to something deep within us, to the child who dreamt that one day he would hunt the forests of the night, and feast beneath the hollow hills, and find a love to last forever somewhere south of Oz and north of Shangri-La.
They can keep their heaven. When I die, I’d sooner go to Middle-Earth."
Today I was riding to work on the bus with my boyfriend. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about work and happiness and fulfillment doing what you love, so I asked him, “How many people do you think dislike their jobs?” After a request for clarification I said, “You know, how many people wake up and think, ‘Ugh, I do not want to go to that place. I don’t want to be there.’” He believed that a lot of people think that. That terrifies me. I am scared of complacency. I do not ever want to be one of those people. I told him as much and he just said, “Then don’t be.”
It was so simple, and yet to me, so profound. It’s in my control.
I feel so strange right now. Usually I’m not one for unidentifiable emotions…but right now…
I’m not sure if I feel hungry or horny or if I feel more excited or lonely or nervous or something.
What is this feeling?!?!
I work in an “office” in the mall. Really, I work out of non-rented store front. It can be confusing for mall goers because they have no idea if it is an office or tourist information. Mostly no one comes in.
This morning I was working and listening to music, specifically “Let It Be” by The Beatles. A handicapped gentleman walked in and stood in the doorway. To be completely (and shamefully) honest, he kind of scared me. There was something about the way he was seemingly glaring that was off-putting.
I tried to talk to him, to engage in conversation, to give him a free map, but it was clear that he couldn’t really converse. He would give a sort of breathy noise, but nothing definite.
I decided that I would just let him stand there while I continued to work around the office. By this point I knew he was harmless. He just continued to stand in the same spot, not really looking at anything in particular. That’s when I noticed he was swaying to the music. I smiled and ask him if he liked it, but again he didn’t respond.
As soon as the song was over he walked up to me and held out his hand. I thought he was going to shake it, but instead he twirled around and then twirled me around twice and then walked away.
It was so beautiful, and I laughed with amazement.
I am in a funk. How do I get out of this? Hm.
There are things in my life that make me stressed, but there are also things that make me very, very happy. And right now, I really appreciate those things.