STILL AWAKE

I am sad.

I have two roommates. Correction, I had two roommates. One of them moved home for the summer.

I sit here with my fingers hovering over the keyboard and tears running down my face and I’m trying miserably to get this emotional jumble of thoughts out of my head and into words. It’s not really working. 

I’m so upset that she moved back home. I really didn’t think it would be this hard without her. I’m learning just how much of a balance she was in my life. It’s different for her because she’s home. And it would be very different for me if I were home as well. I wouldn’t miss her as much because in my home setting, she was never there. Whereas here, she was around every day and night for eight months. The house feels empty without her. I hate it.

I want to call her, to cry to her, to have our late night talks. But because she’s at home, she’s not missing me in the same way that I’m missing her. She would try to understand, but could not realistically picture what it is like to live with just our other roommate. I’m afraid my complaining would accomplish nothing except making her feel guilty for leaving or guilty for not being able to help, which is not my intention.

I find it interesting the way I talk about her. Like I’m in love with her or like she’s gone forever. But neither of those are true. We really are just kindred spirits. She’s my best friend.

1 week ago
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 #best friend #sad #moving #lonely

Sometimes I feel like I am very strong. I don’t let little things bother me. I focus my attention and energy on positive things. That takes strength. As I’ve once read, “It’s easy to be heavy, hard to be light.”

On the other hand, sometimes I feel it is shown in a clarifying brightness that I am, for lack of a better word, a baby. When things get tough I don’t grit my teeth and swear I’ll get through it, I usually stress, procrastinate and cry.

I think this is perfectly normal to let stressful things affect you, but the definitions of “stressful” and “affect” are on such a broad continuum. I wonder where I fall in respect to others.

2 weeks ago
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Suddenly

I am so sad I want to cry or scream or vomit and I’m sure which. I just came back from vacation and while I was gone one of my roommates moved out. Saying goodbye to her was awful - it involved a lot of crying in public. I was sad because I love her so much. We just get each other. We laugh so frikken hard together and finish each others’ sentences. I am going to miss her so much. What makes this whole thing so much worse than other summers is not only have we grown so much closer this year, but the way our lives are diverging, I may not see her for a year. We may never live together again. 

I just came home and walked into her empty room and just sat on her bed and cried. The house feels so empty without her.

3 weeks ago
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 #roommate #sad #lonely

Nothing gold can stay.

I love that. Nothing gold can stay. It may seem a little pessimistic or threatening. To some, they may see it as a cause for hopelessness or even a warning against a false sense of security. They may translate it as, “You will eventually lose everything good in your life”.

But I don’t see it that way. To me, it points out the extremely finite aspect of our lives. It points out that, inevitably, no matter how hard you hold on and no matter your willpower against it, things WILL change. This may be a little…optimistic (delusional?) but I would translate this quote into “Cherish all little special moments and people in your life, because things will always change. Realize they’re gold while you still have them.”

I am so tired right now, and I’m sure I’m not eloquently expressing my point. I just found this poem in my room and all I can think about is my friends moving away and everything changing. They’re gold to me.

1 month ago
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 #Robert frost #friends #moving #change #cherish

Procrastination

It’s rainy. My room is perfectly clean and I’m laying in bed with warm slippers and tea. As excited as I am to go on this upcoming vacation, there is almost nothing right now that would make me want to leave this bed and be productive. Packing blows.

1 month ago
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 #Har har #I'm such a complainer #but this is soooo cozy

Remarkable moment of the day: It was one of my friend’s birthday’s today. I made our last “family dinner” of the year for the roommates. I made cinnamon buns. A lot of my friends came over and hung out. It was sunny. We laughed together. It’s days like this that I’m going to look back on so fondly. We are on the brink of everything changing. This year is almost like an end of life as we know it and the same-old-same days like this aren’t going to happen anymore. Being comfortable and happy around people who I love so much (and who love me!) is remarkable.

1 month ago
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 #Remarkable moment #friends

Little complaining session:

Exactly a week ago my computer died. Just completely died, won’t turn on, motherboard fried. I have gone a full week without my computer and it is making me realize just how dependent I am on it.

Given I do have facebook, twitter and tumblr on my phone, they tend to be…sketchier versions. I can’t read everything or I don’t get proper notifications, not to mention the fact that I only have a certain amount of data on my phone before I have to start paying. Now I understand just how trivial these problems seem - it’s harder for me to keep updated with my social networking sites, tough life.

I really thought I would be fine without a laptop for a while, but as it turns out, IT SUCKS. I hate complaining about it because it makes me feel…spoiled or whiny or obsessed with material possessions. But seriously, it’s been one week and I hate this!!!

Want to check the weather in the morning? Want to send an email? Want to listen to that song you just downloaded? Want to turn off your brain and relax for a bit while surfing the web? Want to listen to a new podcast? Want to check your bank account? Want to look up anything? Want to watch a tv show while you clean your room? Want to share your feelings on tumblr without typing the entire thing on a stupid little blackberry keyboard?

Oh well, YOU CAN’T. Ahhhhhhh this is so frustrating!!

1 month ago
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 #I'm losing my mind

Just had to share this thought right here and now:

I am so grateful for my life. Honestly, I am so lucky. I’ve just finished my third year of university, doing courses that I love. I’ve made so many new friends this year. I’ve been single for about a year now and I feel so good about where I am. I’m done exams. It’s SUNNY. I spent all day yesterday at the beach with my wonderful friends. How lucky am I that we all get to be together for a little while longer? I have secured a full time summer job - one that I really, really wanted. I get to relax here for about a week longer just spending time with my friends before I go on a family vacation to Palm Springs. And how’s this for awesome - I love my family. I am beyond excited to be going on a road trip with my brother and sister. And this morning I just woke up my extremely comfortable bed to a beautiful sunny day. I had a great breakfast and coffee and an apple while reading The Happiness Project. AND I have even found the motivation to go to the gym after this. I am SO grateful for what I have. It seriously does not get any better than this.

1 month ago
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 #Grateful #family #friends #sun

Remarkable moment of the day: Today I had a rather unfortunate hangover. It was bad. I used to get bad hangovers every time I drank but in the past 7 months or so I never did. I felt like I had outgrown them. Anyway, today was a rather unpleasant reminded of how awful I used to feel after drinking. It was pretty damn remarkable to be able to get up, actually walk and then eat. Eating food. Holding food down. Seriously it’s the little things.

1 month ago
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 #Remarkable moment #hungover

Just before my last exam my computer died. Died completely, the motherboard is fried. Exams are done and now I have nothing but free time for a week while the rest of my friends continue to study. Thank god for internet on my phone or I really would be going crazy. How sad is that?

1 month ago
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Guess what I’m bringing back?

Drunk blogging on late night transit! Oh yeah.

1 month ago
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 #Drunk

How much more cheesy could I be?

I went and saw Titanic tonight in theatres. I love that movie. The reason I love it is because it makes me believe in love. Not only believe in magical, passionate, life-changing love but believe that it’s worth waiting for. I’m invigorated with the knowledge that love is waiting for me somewhere. 

I do find it slightly ridiculous that two fictional characters can illicit such strong emotional responses from me. I mean, I am a little red-faced to admit how moved I am by their story. But what’s so embarrassing about being moved?

I let it move me. I let myself feel and get involved in the characters. I let myself cry (a lot) in a theatre full of people. 

I’ve been struggling lately with my possible lack of feeling or conviction, so it’s nice to be moved.

1 month ago
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 #cheesy #titanic #love